Sometimes, I look back at my high school self and wonder what I would do differently if I could go back. My life is not picture perfect at all. It didn’t happen in the order of sequence that I would of wanted it to and I am slowly but surely learning that that is okay. I wouldn’t consider myself a writer, although I do love to write, so this may sound like a jumbled up pile of mixed emotions.
There are many times I think back and wish I would of done things the “normal” way. Graduate high school, get a college degree, meet the love of my life, get married, have an amazing career, and then have kids MUCH later in life. It seems as though that is becoming the “new normal” more and more. People are getting a college degree, getting married later in life, and then having kids. But that is the world’s way of seeing it. That is a worldly “normal”. Who says you have to wait till your 30 to have kids?
I got married at the ripe age of 19, then one year later, we found out we were expecting. We weren’t planning on having kids till much later in life. It definitely put “a wrench” in our plans. Part of me felt like, Okay Savana, this is your life now, you are going to be a wife and a mom. Half of me was excited for this new phase of life, but a part (a big part) of me felt like a piece of me had died. I can no longer do what I want, follow my dreams, all of that is gone. Navigating life after your first baby is hard. I still have dreams and passions, but part of me now knows that my baby boy, next to Christ and my husband, comes first. It’s no longer about what I want, God has chosen me to be Carson’s mom. And he has chosen me to be his mom right now. Even though I didn’t have Carson when I wanted him, I had Carson when God wanted me to. Being a mom is one of the greatest blessings and although it may not always seem that way, I am so glad God chose me to be Carson’s mommy when he did.
Sometimes, I look around and I am completely amazed by how blessed I am. But part of me still feels empty. I am still trying to fill that void. My desire is to go to dental hygiene school. But, I know deep down, that probably isn’t the best thing for Carson and our family right now. I believe God gives us dreams and passions to pursue, but sometimes what I want and what God wants can look grey. Its not black or white. Its not a yes or no. Finding a balance between it all can be overwhelmingly hard. I just cant seem to give it all up. I can’t surrender all of my wants, needs, and desires to him. Why is this so hard for me?
When I was a little girl, all I ever wanted was to be married and have kids. That was my dream job, to be a wife and a mother. Why is there a part of me that still wants more? Sometimes, being a wife and a mom can feel so mundane. It is most definitely a job that doesn’t get enough credit. As a dental assistant, we get bonuses when our office does really well. When I work my butt off at my job, I get rewarded and noticed for it. As a mom, at times, it can feel like all I get is temper-tantrums and meltdowns. That sounds incredibly selfish, but sometimes it is hard to not feel this way. My job as a mom can go unnoticed and I don’t like that feeling. I like that sense of accomplishment after a long work day. That feeling like I made a difference and that I am apart of something bigger. Its as though, I have to be a missionary in a third-world country or something extravagant in order to feel accomplished.
When I fix my eyes back on Jesus, and not the things of this world, I quickly realize I have the most important job in the world. I am apart of “something bigger”. I am investing my heart, soul, and life into this little human of mine. Everything I say and do, he looks at. God has placed Carson in my life for a reason. That sounds silly, like, of course, that is what Carson is in your life for. But in the middle of meltdowns in the grocery store and the constant biting, after I have said “no, biting” for the millionth time, It can be hard to rest in this truth.
I am in a weird season of life, I feel so young, but also feel so old. Half of the people I went to high school with are in sororities and living the college life or starting their careers. I am learning its okay to not have my life go in the sequence that most people would consider normal. Although, I did get an education and went to school, I don’t have a degree, I don’t have an amazing career. I haven’t accomplished all that I wanted to. It may be a part of God’s plan for me to be a dental hygienist, but it also maybe a apart of his plan for me to stay home and be with Carson right now. Either way, it is God’s plan and his plan is always good. I know his plan is much better than anything I could ever come up with. The lord knows my desires and wants. He has inclined his ear to me.
Maybe the void I am trying to fill is standing right in front me, the one that calls me by name and catches every tear from my eyes. Becoming successful is not going to fill the void in my heart, only God can truly meet and fulfill my needs. These earthly desires are temporary and will only leave me feeling hungry and wanting more. Stepping out of what I want and who I am, and into who he is, is where I will find my complete happiness. I want to fully rest in his perfect peace, today and everyday. His plan is always better than mine.
I may not have the “picture perfect” life that I wanted. And it may not have happened in the order that I would have hoped. But I do have an amazing husband that loves me and a son that looks up to me and considers me his world right now. And more than anything, I have a savior. A savior that loves me, for me! He loves me regardless of what I do or who I am. He doesn’t care if I have a master’s degree, an amazing career, or if I’m the president of the united states. He loves me even if I am “just” a wife and a mom.
Linking up with: The beauty in his grip, Savvy Southern style, A little R&R, Jessi’s Design, The NY Melrose Family, Purposeful faith, A fresh start on a budget, momfessionals, Annie and Natalie, Intentionally pursuing