Man, I don’t even know where to start with this post. My mind always seems to write the perfect post while I’m running or working out, but as soon as I sit down to write it out, I have no words. If only my brain could type for me, when I’m not at the computer.
Anyways, as my little guy’s one year birthday is approaching, I decided to write and share about my first year of motherhood. Even though it has actually been more like 1 year and 9 months of motherhood, because as soon as I saw that positive pregnancy test, I started caring and nurturing for that little life inside of me. My first year of motherhood has been a whirlwind to say the least and most definitely one of the hardest things I have ever been and continue to go through.
In the beginning, I always felt like I would arrive at a place where I felt comfortable as a mom and a place where I would finally feel like “I had it all together”. But I soon realized, that wasn’t going to happen, ever. Because as soon as I thought I had mastered one stage and started adjusting, Carson was onto the next stage. It’s like I was constantly shifting gears and could never keep up! There was and still are tears of sadness, tears of pain, of frustration, of hopelessness, of exhaustion, and even tears because I couldn’t open a pickle jar (true story). There have also been tears for no reason at all! And that’s ok! But more than anything, there have been tears of complete and utter joy, of happiness, and of love, an unending and immeasurable kind of love. I remember my first week as a new mom, I told Jordan I was going to shower, but I really just needed to be alone and to cry. I was overwhelmed and felt so lost. Those first couple months were definitely the hardest. Some people told me to “let him cry it out”; others would say “no, co-sleeping is best”. That is just one example but the point is, I was so confused and in many ways felt like a failure. I eventually learned that it’s okay to not know what to do and in those moments of complete hopelessness, is when I learned to truly surrender my worries and brokenness to the lord. I am now thankful for those moments that brought me to my knees. They have shaped me and grown me.
Motherhood is a journey, a beautiful, beautiful journey, which I feel so blessed to be on. Whenever my son is throwing tantrums or is fighting nap time, I remind myself that there are women who would give anything to have that. I try to never take this for granted and always keep this at the forefront of my mind. As do all mothers, I have experienced exhaustion like no other, frustration that makes me want to pull my hair out, and pain that is unbearable. But motherhood is also a love that I could go on forever about; the love a mama bear feels for her little cub is indescribable. Motherhood came fast for me and was not at all “a part of the 5 year plan”. But I truly believe it happened at the right time, even though there are many times it seems like a detour. Motherhood has taught me to be more patient, even though I am nowhere close to being as patient as I want to be! It has taught me to be more self-less and to love another human being more than myself (marriage has also taught me that!). For that, I am grateful. I am grateful that it has shaped me into who I am today. Motherhood is something I will never out learn, there is always something new to learn and to grow from. In a lot of ways, I am straight up scared for the next 17 years. How will I teach this little boy of mine to grow up to be a responsible man and most importantly, to love Jesus fiercely? How can I teach him to a respectable, kind, smart and loving young man? If there is anything that I have learned in this past year it is to take it one day at a time, to start each day with a grateful heart and to pray, pray and then pray some more. Because sometimes, that’s all we can do is pray and trust the Lord with the rest.
Motherhood is not always a walk in the park, a pretty picture of mommy and baby snuggling, or ten tiny toes wrapped in a soft blanket. Motherhood is a messy time, an exhausting time, and a time of growth and learning. But more than anything, it is a beautiful time, a time to love and pour yourself into another little human’s life. Although I am scared to one day raise a teenager and venture through motherhood over the years, I am excited for the journey to come and the growth that will come from it. And as cliché as it sounds, this past year has been one of the hardest, but most amazing and love-filled years ever. So Cheers to tired eyes, a messy house, and re-heating my coffee up 15 times, before I actually finish it!
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